


Not His Fault

by charlatansandsaints



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug-Induced Sex, Kinda, M/M, Needles, Punk Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Unrequited Love, a little ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-26
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-03-15 08:06:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3439766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlatansandsaints/pseuds/charlatansandsaints
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He never looked. Not once. Once he looked, it became real. He would have to face what he was and his perfect image of Levi as his righteous patron saint would be destroyed.</p><p>As it was now, he could look away and act as if it wasn’t there. He couldn’t see it so it wasn’t real. It wasn’t his fault.</p><p>Not my fault. Not my fault. <em>Not my fault. </em>A mantra he repeated over and over. His mind folding in on itself. Hugging it’s knees to it’s chest and rocking back and forth and all he could think was. Not my fault. Not my-</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not His Fault

**Author's Note:**

> This came out a lot more wordy and... dramatic than I intended it to. Is it 2004? I feel like the emo is just so strong. Nonetheless, please enjoy and tell me what you think! I feel like I might want to write a longer, multi-chapter fic similar to this but not quite as over the top, unless you're into that. 
> 
> And come say hi to me on tumblr at remnantsofasupernova if you want.

Eight. 

That was how many half empty coffee mugs Eren had managed to forget about and leave stranded in various areas of his apartment. Ordinarily, Eren wouldn’t have batted and eye, but lately he’d been getting into the habit of rushing home after classes to try to get his place somewhat tidy. Somewhat.

Today was no exception, although it probably should have been.

Levi was sitting on the fire escape. Perched like a withering crow on the ladder outside Eren’s apartment window. Clad in the same pair of tight, black jeans he’d had on for the past 3 days. Eren wondered briefly, if he just simply had three pairs of black jeans that all looked exactly the same. Not an unlikely possibility. What _was_ unlikely, however, was that they all had the same hole in the left knee. All exactly the same size, in exactly the same spot. All fraying around the edges just so.

Eren’s eyes lingered on that patch of skin as he set his bag down and approached the window.

Levi must have heard the door slam when Eren entered the apartment, but he acted as if he hadn’t noticed him yet. His eyes were still half-heartedly scanning a rumpled newspaper, which Eren could tell, just from looking at the headline, was days old already, and he was smoking a cigarette, making a point to flick the ashes off the side of the railing and onto the sidewalk stories below.

It wasn’t until Eren slid the window up and stuck his head out that Levi turned his gaze to look at him. His expression remained even and indifferent, but his eyes were much less glassy than they were the last time Eren had seen him. He mentally scolded himself for thinking that it might have mattered.

“Hey.” He was holding his breath

“Why are you here?”

A beat. He let his breath go.

He looked away from Eren then and brought his cigarette to his lips. Eren watched him pull the smoke into his lungs then let it out in a quick, heavy huff. As if disguising a sigh.

“I was just wondering if you were free for a quick fuck.”

Eren ran his tongue along his back molars and let his eyes roam away from the man in front of him. He didn’t say anything. He’d been around the man long enough to know that nothing he ever said held any real meaning, and wasn’t it just so fitting to make that sort of joke? Eren didn’t laugh. Levi hadn’t meant for it to be funny. But maybe it was. Just a little. In that pungently ironic sort of way. Fucking rich. Or maybe it was very funny. Maybe Levi had a promising career as a comedian.

Eren still didn’t laugh.

He finally looked back at Levi, who carefully folded up his newspaper before dropping it off the edge of the stairwell. Eren actually scowled, irritated. He was about to recede back into the apartment and shut the window on him before Levi spoke up again.

“I just wanted to see you.” Erens hands twitched. And then “I guess.” And he didn’t even bother to look at Eren. Didn’t bother to keep the fucking cancer stick out of his mouth long enough to consider that Eren could see the track marks on his arm every time he brought it to his lips. And Eren was mad, livid really, but he stayed put and he stayed quiet until he was positive Levi didn’t have any more to say.

“Well, you’ve seen me now.” Eren said softly, “So you should probably go.” Please leave, was what he though. Please leave before I do something I don’t want to do. He could hear his own voice breaking in his head and he couldn’t take it. He felt a sudden, unwelcomed rush of fear when Levi pushed himself away from the ladder and onto his feet, flicking his cigarette away.

But then Levi was facing him, and Eren was looking up at him from the window, and it hurt to look at him, because Eren shouldn’t have wanted to look at him. Because he was waifish and the bones of his shoulders were jutting out from the sleeves of his tank top. His cheeks where hollow and his eyes were red and ringed with deep purple and his skin was pale and dry. His hair was dirty and he was still wearing those stupid fucking jeans.

But Eren didn’t want to look away, and he hated himself for it, and he could feel the last threads of his sanity snapping at the edges of his mind.

He figured that was the reason why he thought he could see a faint glow around Levi. Like something too radiant and pure to be standing out on a decrepit fire escape. So Eren willed his body to move away from the window so Levi could stick one large, black boot through the opening and crawl inside.

And then he was standing in the middle of Eren’s apartment, and he looked even more out of place than before somehow. Eren stood awkwardly, feeling equally out of place. This was his home, so to speak, but it felt very different with Levi in it. Everywhere he set foot, he somehow managed to warp and distort in a way that was difficult to pinpoint. He could make the homiest of homes feel foreign and it scared Eren to think that he had that kind of power and he wondered if Levi even knew.

He didn’t make a move. The trap had been set and Eren had taken the bait ages ago. Levi ran the show. Always. The crooked ringmaster of a sinister circus that Eren wanted no part of, but was always drawn into none the less. Even when he had his claws out and his teeth bared, it didn’t matter. Levi always won. The drugs always won. The sex always won. The madness always won. So Eren didn’t fight anymore. Didn’t want to. He’d sit at Levi’s feet like damn dog. And when Levi left, and he always did, he’d lie around and wait for him to return. Because Eren needed him. He was lost and Levi brought him salvation.

Levi walked over and sat on the mattress that was lying on the floor. Eren had forgotten to put sheets on it and Levi didn’t care. Levi smiled then, lightly, and it made Eren sick to his stomach. He realized, then, just how little control of himself he had in that moment as his feet carried him over to the mattress, when every fiber of his mind was telling him to run screaming from the room and never look back. His body just wouldn’t let him. Instead, it dropped him into a sitting position next to Levi and kept him still.

Levi began rummaging around in his backpack and Eren fought to keep his eyes anywhere else.

He never looked. Not once. Once he looked, it became real. He would have to face what he was and his perfect image of Levi as his righteous patron saint would be destroyed. 

As it was now, he could look away and act as if it wasn’t there. He couldn’t see it so it wasn’t real. It wasn’t his fault.

Not my fault. Not my fault. _Not my fault._ A mantra he repeated over and over. His mind folding in on itself. Hugging it’s knees to it’s chest and rocking back and forth and all he could think was. Not my fault. Not my-

But then he could hear the flick of the lighter. Caught the glint of the needle from the corner of his eye. And suddenly he felt like a rabid animal. His body shook and his breathing became labored and all he could think about was sweet deliverance.

Levi brought his hand to the back of Eren’s neck and pressed their foreheads together. Eren was breathing heavily through his nose and stared at Levi with wild eyes. Levi smiled wider then; lips curling back to flash his teeth like he was baring a set of fangs and Eren thought it was beautiful.

Levi crushed their lips together. Violently and mercilessly, digging jagged nails into the skin of Eren’s neck. All Eren could do was grab Levi’s hair, with both fists in a vice grip, and breathe in his scent like it was the only thing keeping him alive in that moment. And it probably was. Beneath the unmistakable flavor of cigarettes, Levi tasted bitter, but also sweet, and Eren wanted more of that taste. The taste that was uniquely Levi. To Eren, it tasted like pure bliss.

But Levi pulled away and placed their foreheads together again and Eren had no choice but to let him. Levi stared at him and spoke, his voice low and smooth.

“Eyes on me,” Levi hummed. Eren nodded, the movement quick and clumsy. Then he felt something being wrapped around his arm and he could hear his pulse in his ears. Levi didn’t break their gaze as he tied off Eren’s bicep, or even when he felt around for the vein. He only looked down right before he pushed the needle in, slowly and steadily. With the grace and precision only possessed by a seasoned veteran. Eren squeezed his eyes shut at the sharp pinch and the burn.

And then it was gone.

And Eren was dancing. Flying. He felt warm and safe and _loved._ A laugh bubbled its way up from his throat and he was faintly aware of Levi moving around and making noise beside him but he couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge much beyond that. Lost in his own perfect world until Levi brought his hands to his face and forced him to look at him. When he did, Eren’s breath caught and he swore he could feel tears of awe filling his eyes.

Levi’s white skin was positively glowing. It almost hurt Eren’s eyes to look at him, he was so bright. His eyes were shiny and there was so much blue. His pupils were virtually non-existent and all Eren could see was beautiful, stunning blue.

This man is an angel, Eren thought. He has to be. It was Levi he felt in his veins now. In his lungs. In his heart? It’s all the same, right?

Levi didn’t give Eren much time to dwell on it, opting instead to push Eren carelessly onto the bare mattress, relishing the chuff of the air leaving Eren’s lungs all at once. Fingers; Eren felt feather light brushes on the skin of his neck. Hips; Eren felt the desperate roll of Levi’s against him. And Eren groaned, and then he laughed because the two gestures seemed to contradict each other flawlessly.

Eren could swear he heard someone talking; gentle and sweet like his mother used to sound. But Levi was silent above him, save for the lustful breaths escaping his lips. Eren almost panicked when Levi drew back to remove both of their pants, but then he was on him again, flush against his chest and kissing him. The kiss was rough like all the others, it held a hint of desperation, like Levi needed to make sure Eren wouldn’t evaporate from under him. It would have fucked with Eren’s conscience if he didn’t feel so god damn good.

No matter how many times, no matter the circumstances, there was always something, something in what they were doing and who they were that felt so incredibly out of order.

Sometimes Eren felt like he could reach it, but the drugs fogged his mind and numbed him until all he could feel was the curve of Levi’s spine and his fingers gripping his sides, digging in and drawing out all the energy and focus Eren had left in the form of a broken moan.

Eren fought the urge to shut his eyes when Levi pushed his fingers into him. He wanted to watch the concentration twist his features. The crease of his brow and his lip trapped by his teeth as he searched for that spot inside Eren. And when he found it, Eren keened, and Levi was silencing him with his mouth again. Eren could sense something in the flavor of Levi’s breath and grunt in his throat when he reached out to touch him. He was vibrating with it and somewhere in the back of his mind, Eren repeated, _not my fault_.

And he might have said it out loud because Levi stilled for a moment and looked at Eren, and his eyes looked pained, tired, and Eren opened his mouth to say something else but Levi lowered his head and shook it slowly and Eren knew, so he was quiet.

There was a shuddering jolt of Levi’s hips at Eren’s hands and he was suddenly removed from Eren’s line of sight. Eren lifted his head up so that his eyes could find Levi’s again, only to immediately throw it back down on to the mattress again as Levi suddenly filled him all at once. He felt the room spin and he finally shut his eyes tight and threw his arm above his head. It didn’t hurt. Not in the physical sense, and Levi knew that so he didn’t hold back, and Eren had never wanted him to.

Levi was moving against Eren now and he struggled to match the rhythm. He felt like he was drowning; being swallowed by the sensations and the haze of his high. He was wrapped in a heat that was too intense and Levi was still blindingly bright, even from behind Eren’s closed eyelids. All he could do was try to fill his lungs with air and concentrate on pulling Levi closer to him with his legs to try and keep him afloat.

And all at once, he saw the surface, as he came with a desperate cry that grated his vocal cords. Levi followed close behind, shuddering violently and groaning. And it was over.

Levi hovered over Eren and looked at him, searching, but Eren kept his eyes closed until Levi untangled their limbs and slowly lifted himself off the mattress to find something to clean them off with. Eren rolled over and watched him, and he still couldn’t breathe.

Later, when it was all said and done and Eren’s back was pressed against Levi’s chest as they came down, Eren spoke to keep his mind from wandering. Because Levi hadn’t said anything, and Eren didn’t want to be alone with this own sober thoughts.

“I’m surprised,” Eren muttered, trying to keep his voice light and amused.

Levi uttered a soft, “hm?” but offered nothing more, so Eren went on.

“You’ve been wearing those pants for a while now. I’d imaging the clean freak would have snapped by now.”

Levi was quiet for a moment and Eren wondered if he might have offended him somehow, until he let out a small chuckle and said, “I guess it didn’t seem that bad now that I’m used to your filthy apartment.”

Eren let out a quiet “Whatever,” as Levi leaned forward to place his lips on the back of his neck. His jaw was tight, Eren noticed.

It was silent again, and Eren was ready to give in just as Levi spoke up again, distant, like he was thinking out loud. “I think,” he mused. “I think I’m going to go back home.” Eren chewed on that for a moment. He could feel something begin to fall apart, but it wasn’t what he thought it would be.

“And where is ‘home’?” Saying the word felt awkward to Eren and he didn’t want to think about what that meant. He just waited for Levi to tell him.

“California.” He said the word carefully, quietly, as if that would change a thing. Eren didn’t have a response. He just shifted and turned himself over in Levi’s arms until they were facing each other.

Levi didn’t say anything more. He just looked into Eren’s eyes and waited. Waited for him to tell him to stay. But Eren never did. Levi kept his eyes on Eren’s, silently pleading, and Eren closed his eyes and it hurt. Eren inhaled deeply and let the air out in a ragged, choked sort of way. Levi placed a gentle kiss between his eyebrows, wordlessly telling him that it was okay, that he could sleep, and Eren did.

And when he woke up much later, he was alone, the arms around him were gone and all that was left to support him was his naked mattress and that didn’t surprise him.

A needle and a lighter. The only traces of him left lying next to his bed. Eren jumped slightly when he noticed them, as if they were a living threat. A poisonous spider. But it wasn’t as scary as he expected it to be, when he finally did look. In some ways, Eren was relieved.

He felt the pain swell in his chest all at once and he brought his hand up to close a fist around the fabric of his shirt. He was gone. Levi had finally let him go, broke the chains and freed him. But Eren still felt like he was waiting. Somehow.

It was dark in his apartment now and Eren couldn’t see much. He sat, fingers wrapped around his forearm, playing back the moments and in his head he heard a voice, different from before, whisper softly.

It’s not your fault.

**Author's Note:**

> Does Levi even have blue eyes? I feel like in fics they're always blue, but I feel like they're just kind of grey...


End file.
